Naruto Shorts
by Not-So-GentleFist
Summary: A collection of short Naruto humor fics, sure to get a few laughs and giggles. From a wingman Sai, to Hinata with a startling secret for her boyfriend. Pretty much crack.
1. Wingman Sai

"Sai, you seriously don't have to!" Naruto shouted to his pale teammate over the music. The club was bustling with young people letting loose on the weekend. Normally Naruto loved to party, but Sai was seriously cramping his groove. Not to mention killing his game.

"I insist, Naruto. The book says that it is a friend's duty to take on the role of a 'wingman' and help them 'score'. Do not worry; I still have plenty of moves left in my 'playbook'." Sai looked around. "Ah! Over there! Judging by her facial features and bodily proportions, she seems to be around a four. Another book I have read said that when desperate, it is easier to lower your standards, and it is easier to prey upon ugly girls' insecurities."

Naruto groaned. "First of all: if you're going to try that, don't refer to her as 'the four' this time! And secondly, I AM NOT DESPERATE!"

Sai quirked a brow. "Really? You have not been 'getting lucky' so far; don't you think it is time to set your sights a little lower?"

"I haven't been getting lucky because you are a shitty wingman!"

"But I am doing it exactly how the book told me. I will just try harder this time." He looked around again. "Hm… That one seems to be up to your standards," he concluded, looking towards a rather stunning brunette in a blue dress.

He walked up to the girl, catching her attention with his creepy smile. "Hello, would you be interested in meeting my dickless friend?" Sai gestured towards a facepalming Naruto. The girl simply went into a fit of giggles looking towards the blonde and walked away.

Sai returned to his teammate. "I do not know why no one seems interested in you. Perhaps I should have named you ugly instead of Sakura."

Sai did not get the chance to talk to any more girls, as the two were kicked out of the club after Naruto began beating on Sai.


	2. Troublesome Jinchuuriki

"Shikamaru… the kyuubi isn't dead… It's sealed inside me…"

After Sakura and Sai discovered his secret, Naruto decided to reveal it to everyone else. He figured Shikamaru would be the best to start with; the genius might help him figure out how to tell the others.

"I know," he responded emotionlessly. Naruto was agape, but this was Shikamaru; he supposed the genius was bound to figure it out.

A happy tear rolled down his eye. "You… you knew, and you're okay s-still being around me?" Naruto stared with sparkling, oversized anime eyes of joy.

"No." Naruto's face froze for a second. "I'm terrified. It was just too troublesome trying to avoid you."

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><p><strong>AN: Okay, I was inspired by an author who is following my main series right now to start up a little crackfic collection. Just some shorts with a little joke to hopefully get some laughs. Not to be taken seriously (Shikamaru would not hate Naruto!). I was trying to write a fic shorter than the other author, but I failed by 47 words. Damn, better luck next time.**


	3. The Talk

"So why'd you call me here baa-chan?"

Tsunade sighed. She was obviously a bit uncomfortable with this situation, but she was a medical professional, and this had to be done. She kept her nerves at ease, and with her fingers steepled in front of her face, calmly answered the confused blonde.

"Look, Naruto, you're coming to the age where you may start getting certain – thoughts, and urges. I figured with my medical expertise, I would probably be the best one to give you this talk, to make sure you are informed and know how to handle these new feelings responsibly."

Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "What talk?"

"The sex talk, Naruto," the Hokage bluntly stated.

Naruto blushed a light rose. "O-oh…"

"Now, before I start, do you have any questions you would like answered or anything you want me to focus on?" Tsunade inquired.

"Hmm…" The blonde placed a finger on his chin as his eyes scrunched in thought. "Could you tell me what a blowjob is?"

'_Okay, so I guess he has heard of some things. Teenage boys do talk after all.' _"Alright, I suppose I can answer that one after I explain the basics," a still somewhat uncomfortable Tsunade replied, though she was beginning to think this talk might not be as awkward as she feared. "Is there anything else you wanted to know?"

"Well… since you're offering and all…"

'_I've got a bad feeling about this…'_

"What's a cock ring?" he said in a tone Tsunade found unfittingly innocent for such a question.

"I – I…" The busty Kage's mouth was just opening and shutting at this point, realizing that perhaps this talk **was** going to be long and awkward.

The jinchuuriki could tell she was not going to respond. "Whatever, I'm not really a jewellery person anyway," Naruto dismissed. "But what's a blumpkin?"

Now Tsunade's mouth was just gaping, only an overwhelmed squeak escaping. _'There's no way this brat is so innocent! He's just playing dumb to mess with me, he's gotta be!'_

Naruto's curiosity took the reins during this prolonged silence, and so the teenager began to ramble. "And what does it mean when they say 'open your mouth or it's going in your eye'? Do I have to keep my mouth open the **whole** time? Cause I don't wanna get anything in my eyes. And is it true the back door is supposed to be tighter? Cause my apartment only has a front door so I wouldn't know… Still don't know what it has to do with sex… And why don't people who go black ever come back? And why do I have to wear a rubber? I like my regular outfit better; there's no way rubber clothes could be that comfortable. And do some people really spit instead of swallowing? I know I don't have very good table manners, but even I know it's rude to spit out your food! And w-"

"Naruto…" Tsunade interrupted, earning his attention. "Where did you hear all these things?" she asked with no small hint of disbelief.

"From pervy sage of course," Naruto said.

'_Of course…'_ Tsunade thought as a vein popped up in her forehead. "Did he ever talk about anything else, Naruto?" the angered Senju asked with a dangerous edge to her voice; though this was lost to the oblivious boy.

"Hmm… Oh yeah! He always said that you were a 'MILF'. What does that mean?"

Now fire burned in the Hokage's pupils. "JIRAIYA! ! !" she screamed in outrage of her teammate for corrupting the boy she considered like a son (_and_ implying she was old).

* * *

><p>Outside of a hotspring on the other side of town, Jiraiya suddenly sneezed. He didn't have to guess who was talking about him though; he had heard the scream.<p>

"Well, guess I'm heading out of town again!"


	4. Where Do Babies Come From?

In a spacious family home in Konoha, a pair of children played in their living room, one boy with blonde spiky locks, and a younger girl with short, ocean-blue hair. From the couch, their lavender-eyed mother watched the two contentedly, sipping from a cup of tea.

Suddenly, the younger of the duo rushed up to the couch with a pondering look plastered on her face reminiscent of her father's. "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

Hinata came close to reflexively spitting out her tea. "W-why are you w-wondering that, Himawari-kun?"

"Because I want a little sister too! Where do they come from mommy?" she asked innocently.

It was then that her older brother walked up and joined the conversation. "Yeah! How did you two get us?" Boruto echoed.

Hinata was flush red. delaying for time, trying to come up with an explanation that would fool a pair of children. "W-well… You see… I-its… Ano…"

It was then that her cheery, whiskered husband walked into the room to save her. "Don't bother asking her, kids. She was unconscious the whole time," he said with a chuckle.

Hinata just glared at him. Even her children could sense her disgruntlement. "You know it's very rude to – uh – _make babies_ with a woman while she isn't awake. You could have at least waited for me to come to."

Naruto's cheery demeanor shifted to a serious expression. "I did. And you fainted. **Again**." Hinata looked away from her husband's gaze, becoming bashful under his scrutiny. "Look, you wanted babies, I made it happen," he said with a shrug.

Hinata adopted her old habit of playing with her fingers. "I wasn't **t-that** bad. It would h-have happened e-eventually…"

Naruto raised a brow. "Oh yeah? You wanna try and make Hima-kun a little sister right now?" he challenged.

All Hinata's blood pumped straight to her head, making her as red as a beet until the blood pressure reached critical mass and her body fell limp on the couch.

Himawari reacted by jumping up and down with the most excited of smiles plastered on her whiskered face, pointing towards her unconscious mother. "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy fainted again! Does that mean I'm getting a new baby sister now!" she questioned anxiously.

Naruto couldn't help but laugh heartily at his adorable daughter's antics.

Soon, however, his grin became sly and mischievous. "Maybe…"


	5. The Ultimate Taboo

**A/N: …**

**Yeeaaaahhh… So I have no idea where this came from, I was just PMing a fanfiction acquaintance of mine a while back, and the conversation somehow got into the topic of incest and other taboos in anime, and I, for some reason, thought of… **_**this**_**. PLEASE don't ask for a lemon. No way. No way in f*cking hell. I feel dirty enough writing it as it is – prboably mostly because I'm in class right now, lol. Fortunately, no one beside me. And in case anyone asks 'why Neji?' – I dunno, he was just the one I pictured it with – really, there's not really any particularly better fitting characters anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Neji fans, don't hate. PURE crack.**

* * *

><p>Neji knew he should not be doing this. He knew this was wrong, bad dammit, it felt so right! He knew the consequences if he were caught, but could not find it in him to care. No, he had already lost control.<p>

The Hyuuga genius had tried to remain patient, but his lust kept boiling over until it was all he felt. He approached the girl, eyeing her like a piece of meat. Neji knew the clan opposed of engaging in sex before marriage, but he was a man with needs, and no more patience.

But if only their marital status were the only problem. Their love was a forbidden love, because the two were brother and sister. Yes, his sister! How would people see them now if they knew of their incestual romance?

But as if their blood relation didn't make this wrong enough, she was several years his junior! Yes, his imouto was only a tender eight years old. Call him a pedophile, a lollicon, but don't call him uncaring! Neji loved his dear imouto deeply, and tonight he would show his love in a display most of the world would not understand.

But oh, if only the problems ended there! If they were caught, not only would they have hell to pay from their father, but from her husband as well! Yes, the Hyuuga had married off Neji's sister and true love not long ago, but still they only yearned for each other! He knew the penalties for adultery, he knew he should feel sorry for her husband, who never asked to be put in this situation either, but tonight they would become one, and no one could stop them.

But alas, these were not the only judgements that would arise from their lovemaking. Just to make this act more taboo, more unacceptable, more… _enticing_, what Neji was about to do with his love was necrophilia! Yes, his poor imouto had passed away untimely not but three nights ago, but her body still retained all its beauty and temptation. Before she was buried and gone forever, he wanted to culminate his love for her into one beautiful night.

Unfortunately, the necrophilia was only the tip of the iceberg of wrong. Though she loved him, she was not yet ready for this kind of step. So, Neji, blinded by desire, was forcing it upon her. How does a deceased person give or deny consent, you ask? Well, she had been expecting this sort of thing to happen, so in her will, she specifically wrote that she did not wish for her body to be raped by Neji. But he needed her now, whether she wanted this or not, and he was going to have his way with her until she felt the depth of his love and lust for her.

But the lines being crossed did not end at rape. What could possibly be worse, you ask? Bestiality. Yes, her sister was a pig. Literally. How could she be born a pig, in a noble ninja family? Well, somewhere down the family tree, Hyuuga family genetics became a bit skewed. Their mother was part pig, and she happened to get all her genes from her mother's side, while Neji took after his father.

But bestiality was not their only issue. Not only was she of a different species, but of all the animals on God's green earth, she had to be one that was non-kosher! Though most do not know, the Hyuuga are of Israelite origin, all of their members, main and branch, subscribing to their historical Judaic beliefs. Oh, if his rabbi were to see him now! Did the laws of kosher even apply to sex? Would this act have been any worse had his imouto been a calf, or a dog? No matter, he would repent for this later, tonight, he was going to make this pig squeal.

But – here's the clincher – just to hammer the final nail into their coffin of sin, probably the most wrong of them all, was a certain fetish that Neji would never admit to enjoying. He was a furry.

And so, the prodigy donned his Badger costume, taking his lover in the midst of this passionate midsummer's eve which would never be spoken of.


	6. FutaNata

Naruto kissed his girlfriend as they blindly searched for the blonde's bed. They finally landed on the bed, and Naruto broke the kiss, to his girlfriend's disappointment.

The jinchuuriki's blue orbs bore into Hinata's lavender pearls with a heat she had never seen in them. "Are you sure about this?" he whispered.

"Completely," she responded without hesitation. Tonight, she had resolved to give herself completely to her love, and the same heat in him burned throughout her anxious body too. But first…

"B-but there is something I n-need to tell you," she whispered nervously, looking away from Naruto's hungry stare.

The whiskered teen saw the fear in Hinata's expression, so he caressed her cheek with his hand, forcing her to look back at him. "Don't worry. You can tell me anything," he reassured. Hinata relaxed a bit, though her face still seemed worried.

"Well… Y-you know that the Hyuuga clan r-rarely marries outside of the clan, right?" Naruto nodded, kindly urging her to continue. "W-well, sometimes this… inbreeding causes s-some… b-b-birth defects…"

The blonde saw his girlfriend struggling with her next words, so he just waited, squeezing her hand lovingly. "What I a-am trying to say i-is… That I have… I have a… I-I… I AM A HERMAPHRODITE!" she finally blurted out.

The blonde could not help but be shocked, and his face made this quite transparent. Hinata saw his eyes widen and mouth gape, and panicked.

"I a-am sorry! I understand if y-you are disgusted and d-d-don't want to be with m-me anymore!" she cried. She shot up from the bed and made to run away, to escape this situation, to go home and curl up on her bed, but her boyfriend grabbed her arm and stopped her.

"Hinata!" he said firmly. "It's not like that! I'm just… well, surprised. I love you, and something like that won't make me change my mind!"

Hinata looked back to him with wet but relieved eyes. "R-really? You still l-love me?"

"Of course. Really," Naruto said with a loving smile.

Hinata sat down beside him again, once again looking away, but more bashfully then frightened. "What about… T-tonight?" The couple both blushed.

Naruto looked away too, rubbing the back of his head. It was his turn to be a bit nervous. "W-well… We'll make it work." He was not thrilled that his girlfriend had her… _problem_, very few men would be. But he still loved her, and would find a way to accept her imperfections.

'_I guess… It could have been worse, right? I mean, it's not __**that**__ big of a problem… At least I hope not! It would be so embarrassing if it's bigger than mine! Gah! This is such a pain in the ass but… Okay, I need to stop thinking about it!'_

Hinata looked back with a smile. "Ok then… Just d-don't stare…"

The blue-haired kunoichi once again stood from the bed, this time beginning to unzip her pants.

'_Oh god… Here it comes…'_ Naruto thought, readying himself for what he was about to see.

Hinata's pants were pooled at her feet, and her fingers gripped the sides of her panties. Naruto could not help but hide his eyes behind his hands, fearing what was coming.

At the sound of her panties dropping, the Uzumaki took a deep breath, and parted his finger to take a peek at his girlfriends exposed, fleshy, virgin, throbbing –

Vagina.

…

Naruto dropped his hands and glared kunais at his now keeled over girlfriend, bellowing in laughter.

"Oh, I am **so** gonna get you back for that one!" the prankster king exclaimed, not enjoying being on the other side of the joke.

**(A/N: Well, he sure got out of a STICKY situation. That should be a LAOD off of his mind. Lol)**


End file.
